The Easy Tiger Corp Christmas Dinner Guide to Psychological Warfare December 25 2014
It’s that time of year again to sit down with your family over a nice meal, celebrate the birth of Christ, and find out exactly how you have let down each and every one of them.
To help you prepare for this occasion, Easy Tiger Corp has put together this handy guide to help you win the psychological war known as Christmas dinner. The guide is presented as a list of steps to help you shore up both your defence and your offence.
- Identify your emotional vulnerabilities.
- Practice making hurtful comments to yourself to toughen yourself up. Pro tip: Imagine its a drunk aunt or uncle delivering these insults to make sure you truly are prepared for the hurt.
- Invent fake insecurities and play them up at the dinner table. For example if you are insecure about your weight but not about your hairline, make sure to mention how you’ve gained weight this year. You will use this to draw fire away from your actual insecurities.
- Subdivide your family into potential threats, and probable allies. Who are the most insecure people at the table? These are most likely going to be your Xmas dinner foes. (Expert tip on identifying insecure people, look for overcompensation. Uses big words incorrectly? Insecure about how intelligent they are. Wearing a wig? Insecure about their hairline. Ostentatious jewelry or clothing, coupled with a low paying job? Insecure about their wealth or class.)
- Brainstorm until you have identified all of your family enemies’ weaknesses. It may help to rank order them. This will help you identify which statements will pack the largest emotional punch.
- Memorize your passive aggressive sentence patterns. The best and most effective pattern is “You have done well at X for someone who has problem Y” where X corresponds to something they accomplished in the last year and Y corresponds to a failure or insecurity that has haunted them their whole life. If you feel like getting advanced you can research other such patterns but you probably won’t need to unless Anna Wintour is sat across from you at the table.
- Start practicing for the main event by casually dropping these sentences into conversations with people who you don’t really care about.
- You Win Xmas Dinner.
And that’s it. Merry Christmas everyone!
BONUS TIP - Emotionally Wounding a Hipster
Not every Christmas dinner table is going to feature a real live hipster, however if it does chances are you are going to want to take them down a notch or ten. Here’s how you do it.
Hipsters hate being called hipsters. Call them a hipster. They should disagree with you vehemently all the while being happy you think they are super wicked cool. Now change your position and agree with them they are not a hipster, and mention some way in which they fail to meet the definition like their taste in music isn't esoteric enough or you're not sure they fully understand irony. And your job is done. Sit back and watch them cry on the inside.